White Friends and White Fragility

The feeling of White Fragility...creeping up on ya like BAM!

I noticed a divide...a subtle divide but a divide in the making

I wanted to heal the divide

I wanted to unite the group

I wanted everything to be in the open

I wanted to share my truth

I wanted to stop hiding

I wanted to hear their truths

I wanted a safe space

I wanted to listen

I wanted to hear their thoughts

I wanted to trust my “friends”

I wanted to believe my “friends” were different

I wanted to keep my “friends”

So what did I do? I scheduled a call with my friends….like us type A women do with everything in our lives.  A simple call tilted “Lets Chat - About Racism”

Instantly they were horrified. They were texting asking for context...but there was no context...it was JUST a call.

Asking for context...

Do they do that when a dinner is scheduled?

Do they do that when someone has a breakup?

Do they do that when someone loses their job?

Do they do that when asked to attend a women’s march?

Do they do that when talking about femenist topics?

No - they do not (ask for context in other situations)....they just show up.

White Fragility is your white friend who hates talking on the phone and never returns your calls with a call (only a text) calling you at 8am b/c they can’t bare to text about the forbidden topic - racism. 

White Fragility is asking your black friend to edit a call about racism to make you comfortable.

White Fragility is asking to edit an invite list b/c you don’t feel comfortable talking about racism in front of a group...a group you have no problem sitting at the dinner table with.

White Fragility is just that….it comes from the ones you least expect it to come from...and that’s when it hurts the most.

White Fragility is telling your black friend that all the other white friends in your circle aren’t being intentionally silent.

White Fragility is making your black friend carefully explain to you why it’s important to her to discuss racism as a group.

White Fragility is not being aware that your black friend is spending thousands in counseling b/c she’s the minority in your own friend circle.

White Fragility is making your black friend assure you and comfort you and share that suggesting a conversation about racism isn’t about you...it’s about a movement for equality.

When all you wanted to do was talk...but they couldn’t. That’s WHITE FRAGILITY.

White Fragility is not even realizing the agony and strength it took for your black friend to muster up the guts to try and talk to her friends about racism.

White Fragility is the willingness to attend marches yet not have a conversation with all of your friends about racism.

White Fragility is assuming your black friend is going on a witch hunt when she sends an invitation to simply talk about racism.

White Fragility is blissful and carefree...even when it means you don’t care about your black friend...you hurt your black friend so deeply you don’t even know where the friendship went...and you don’t ever speak of it b/c deep down...you know...it went to the trash b/c you couldn’t handle that damn White Fragility.

White Fragility leaves your black friend wondering....

So you wonder...if they can’t talk to you about racism who can they talk to about it?

So you wonder...how will change happen if those that say they love and adore you can’t even bare to look their white fragility in the face and conquer it head on.

So you wonder...do they know the depths of your pain...the pain they sometimes cause.

So you wonder...do they know you edit yourself for them.

So you wonder...would they still include you...and do you even want to be included.

So you isolate...because you’ve just become an outsider in the friend circle you cherished for so long...all because you wanted to stop the divide...to explore a topic head on rather than hiding.

So you realize...racism is still the forbidden topic...even among those you thought you could trust.

So you realize...if you were treated less than in a store while shopping...they’d be silent...just like the call request. Silent.

White Fragility...it’s the thing that keeps me up at night. 

It’s the thing that isolates me. 

It’s the thing that saddens me. 

It’s the thing I cannot stand for and do not care for.