Journey to 35: Should
For a while my mantra has been “I’m not letting anyone should on my life.”
So here’s the thing. Our entire lives we’re walking around with society telling us things we should be doing or should not be doing. I haven’t always fit into these categories so I had to realize that what society thinks I need may not align with what I know I need. So the shoulds go a little something like this:
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Where are you going to college?
What major are you selecting?
What internship are you applying for?
What job are you taking after graduation?
Who are you marrying?
When is the wedding?
When are you buying a house?
When are you having kids?
How many kids are you having?
All of these questions imply that you “should” be doing something during that particular phase of your life. For example, where are you going to college translates to “you should be going to college b/c college is the only option.” But I don’t agree with this assumption because I think there are lots of options that can lead to one’s path of happiness.
The other thing is that these questions assume knowing what will make another human happy....rather than assuming that human knows what will make them happy.
The other thing is that I finally realized these questions actually get to the core of the person asking them....not the person being asked. For example, there are people that only ever ask me about dating. Sometimes people are just trying to live through you and/or projecting their version of happiness on you. Dating apps seem like this new exciting thing so ppl that are married are so curious. Well let me set the record straight. They suck. Dating apps fucking suck. They’ve removed the personalization and humanness from relationship seeking and reduced each human to a few words and photos rather than the multi-dimensional people we are. They’ve reduced reliability and introduced a plague of ghosting...a plague of disrespectfully disregarding someone without accountability. They’ve made dating a numbers game where everyone is dating everyone and can’t even focus on getting to know a single person b/c they’re all juggling 6+ ppl at the same time. Also, when dating is the first thing someone asks me about I just want to remind them that I am a bad ass. I am a bad ass in so many aspects of life. I am not defined by having a partner. I am defined by ME. I’ve dated a lot and it’s been fun...or rather it’s been funny. I could write an entire book on the shit that I’ve experienced in dating. I’ve been positive through it all - thinking that if I diversify my strategy...you know use different levers like online dating, meeting ppl in person, meeting through friends and all of that then eventually God will send me my man. Well now I’m focused on me.
I’m not saying I don’t gab about dating with my good friends but the thing is that with my good friends I realize we chat about a whole host of other topics that have nothing to do with men b/c men and dating aren’t central to our lives and our discussions.
On my journey to 35 I’ve learned that people and society are always going to have an idea or opinion of what I should be doing and at what pace I should be doing it. I haven’t prescribed to that yet and don’t plan on prescribing to it ever...because it just doesn’t work for me. I mean, I would have never moved to Chicago and fallen in love with this city if I listened to all the “shoulds”...and that would have been a tragedy. I am grateful b/c not prescribing to the shoulds has removed so much unnecessary pressure from my life.