Journey to 35: Decisions
When I made the decision not to have my biological father in my life it was hard but it was necessary.
I used to be ashamed and embarrassed of that decision. I used to think I’d never meet a partner b/c they’d think someone without a close relationship with their father is damaged. I used to wonder if I made the right decision.
A few weeks ago. I was going through boxes of old stuff. I’m not the Marie Kondo type...I love to re-read old cards people have given me. I love to look at photos from the past. I love to have those reminders of where I came from and what molded me into the woman I am today. As I was going through all the cards and photos I realized something - I don’t have a single card or photo from Femi. I have hundreds of birthday cards from my mom, brother, friends, church members but not a single one from Femi. From my college years I have photos of my friends and sorority sisters at moms day with all of our moms. But then nothing from dads day...because he never showed up. Femi worked a 15 min drive from campus and lived a 30 min drive from campus but when I look back it’s like I didn’t even have a dad (because I didn’t). Over the past decade of not having him in my life; of not allowing him to be in my life I have grown to realize I made the right decision but going through memory boxes and seeing nothing of him crystallized it for me.
The decision was right. It was right because it was mine. For the first 23 years of my life the relationship (or lack of one) that I had with Femi was on his terms or my mother’s terms. My mom believed it was SO important for a female to have a relationship with her father. The thing is, you can’t force a relationship. So as an adult I grew annoyed with the one-sided relationship. I grew tired of being stood up at restaurants. I grew tired of being the pursuer and never being pursued. I grew tired of disappointment. I grew tired of apologizing for him. I grew tired of accepting my unimportance to him. I grew tired of my time being wasted. I grew tired of lies. So I just stopped. That was over a decade ago and I’ve never looked back.
Friends have asked if I’d invite femi to my wedding and I always wonder why. Friends have asked if I miss him and I always wonder why. The answer to these questions is no. He’s not my dad; he’s a sperm donor. To the first question I think - why would I invite a stranger to my wedding? To the second question I think - why would I miss someone I never really knew?
And finally, friends have asked if I forgive him and I know the answer is yes. But to me it’s not so much that he did anything wrong though. To me it’s just that he has a life that he likes and I didn’t fit into that. To me it’s just that he didn’t have the capacity to be the type of person worthy of my time. To me it’s just that people make an effort for what’s important to them & his lack of effort told me everything. To me it’s just that he is happy and living his best life & why should I be mad at that. To me it’s just that simple.
Femi loves his life...I just wasn’t a part of that and that’s okay. I believe everyone deserves to have the life they want and that everyone makes time for the things and people that are important to them. I wasn’t important to him - and that’s okay. Does this make me mad? Not a bit, I feel at peace & I feel empowered. Empowered to make decisions that are best for me regardless of what the world thinks.
I have an abundance of amazing mentors male and female. I have been blessed to have a wide age range of friends and truly believe God put these people in my life as family. I was blessed with a mother that put me first and never shared details of why she got a divorce or spoke ill of my father...see this is the key to it all b/c in my twenties it was purely my decision based on my interactions with Femi...my mother had zero to do with it. In fact, she urged me to keep in contact with him - the exact opposite of what my decision would be.
I am thankful because this decision took me down a path of not accepting less than I am worthy of. A realization that I have a choice in who I allow into my life...and now I like to think “if you’re not adding to my glow up”
In the end it’s simple. I’m so thankful for the people in my life and I’m able to be proud of the decisions I’ve made because they are my own. Every person in my life is special to me b/c I’ve made a choice to have them in my life, to spend time with them, to grieve alongside them, to laugh with them, to cry with them, to celebrate successes with them and above all to love them.