Journey to 35: Grief to Gratitude
On Oct 1 I made a list of topics for my Journey to 35 series...sadness/pain was #17 but since I balled my eyes out at Chanel’s vet yesterday it only seems fitting to jump to #17 now.
Sadness is hard for me. I’m a pretty positive person and have found the ability to find positivity in so many difficult situations. This year I experienced pain & sadness of a new magnitude so I had to learn to embrace these emotions.
Chanel has congestive heart failure. You’re probably thinking what does that even mean??? Well, I found out what it meant on April 27/28. There’s a valve in her heart that’s leaking. Surgery isn’t an option. The leak caused fluid build up on her heart and lungs. A lung with fluid build up stops her ability to breath. Lack of breath means death. She needs to spend the weekend in ICU to make it. These are just a few of the things I learned that night...
It’s been months since that day but I’ll never forget watching Chanel collapse. Thinking she’d died right in front of me. Rushing to the emergency vet. Having a Lyft driver pray for her. I have constant reminders because she needs so much medication. The medication dehydrates her. She drinks a ton of water. She pees ALL the time. Increased use of her little bladder is causing frequent UTIs. Damn, I’ve never even had a UTI and my poor baby is getting them monthly.
Sometimes I feel conflicted...did I make the right choice? She’s still so happy & full of life...so I think I did. But then I might never sleep again...till she actually does pass. She still has control of her bladder she just has to go every 2-3 hours soooooo like a good little pup she wakes me up crying, begging to be let out to pee. I’ve tried potty pads, fake grass, diapers, etc but have come to realize you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Sometimes I wonder how it would have been different if she’d passed away suddenly. I think I’m so lucky to have this extra time...but I am also so unlucky b/c I live in constant fear that this will be her last day.
Since I’m typically awake in the middle of the night I’ve had time to think. For that I am grateful. I’ve also lost control...that’s the funny thing about real big sadness you just don’t know how you will physically and mentally handle it. I felt like I was tumbling in the wind and didn’t have anything to grasp. I’m totally type A and always have a plan BUT I think I’m finally feeling grateful for that loss of control. There will be other moments of great sadness in my life and I truly believe this is preparing me for it so I can’t help but be grateful...even in the pain.
The amount of tears shed and the amount of tears to be shed are unbelievable to me. Here I am this “strong, black, professional woman” and I couldn’t even stop myself from crying at work. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. I felt silly for being so emotional. But most of all I felt out of control. I turned the page when I started to not give AF...because all of these emotions were me. They were mine to own and mine to understand.
This sadness helped me grow b/c it strengthened my relationship with my mom. I am still in awe of how she handled things. Receiving a phone call from me at 3am and got here by 2pm. Making me laugh the whole weekend. Prying me away from the hospital and distracting me with Michelin stared restaurants. And now, the constant reminders that I’m doing a great job with all the meds and appointments and stuff. I mean, in the back of my mind I knew she was my greatest cheerleader/supporter but I feel it now more than ever.
So in sadness and pain I have found gratitude, vulnerability & acceptance of loosing control. I’ve also found self-love and the need to be gentle with myself and know that I’m doing the best I can. The combination of this is launching me into 35 as a better human.