Hibernation
Written 10.3.2020
I had to
I had to hibernate
I had to escape
I had to protect
I had to...because I couldn’t bear it
I couldn’t bear the truth
Forever seared in my mind...the loss of friendship.
The shock
The horror
The disappointment
The sadness
The realization
The realization that I picked the wrong friends...I picked the wrong friends so many times...in various situations...I picked poorly.
The realization that I was DOING LIFE with so many non-allies.
It ripped my fucking heart out.
Like for real...I sit in my living room with this vision of someone reaching into my chest and squeazzing...slowly crushing my heart over time. They’re squeezing so hard. And my heart. My heart it hurts. My chest is tight. My mind is blank. I don’t understand. Where did I go wrong? Why did I let them in the door? How did I get here?
How did I end up with so few friends that are actual allies. That actually stand against racism...that stand against racism when it’s someone they know being racist.
I recount...
in 2019 when T said “you make me feel bad for being white”
In 2019 when N committed micro, no not micro, macro-aggressions against my black friends
In 2020 when I watched J, J & K be empathetic to Ally when asked about her reckless racist decisions
In 2020 when B called me a bully b/c I pointed out the racism and privilege of one of his friends
There’s so many things in common with each of these...
My pain
My complete and utter shock and disbelief
My pain
My disappointment
My sense of betrayal
My sense of misunderstanding
My rage!
My pure fucking uncontrollable rage
My ability to dismiss that which doesn’t serve me
My ability to understand that they do not (and likely will never) understand the racism they’ve pushed upon me...I’m now just an angry black woman to them...forever misunderstood and misrepresented...but I’ve lost the ability to care about that now
My love
My deep, deep friend love...that I no longer felt safe to have for these people
My sense of pure disbelief that I could love someone who couldn’t see their privilege...someone that internalizes my Black experience....someone that had never even really seen me
And there were others...so many others that I began to black out. My mind couldn’t handle it. My heart couldn’t handle it. My soul was cracking.
And so I went on a little hibernation. This summer I hibernated.
My hibernation did not involve social media
My hibernation did not involve news channels
My hibernation was for me
And in this hibernation I grew
In this hibernation came the darkest days
In this hibernation I saw my angels
I had 5+ hour calls with Chanel’s aunties...my closest of friends, my sisters and brothers...my forever folks
And in this hibernation God showed me light...God worked through them in the most beautiful of ways
My angels
My angels are so beautiful
My angels are so loving
My angels know me more than even I do
My angles reached their hands into my chest and began to put the shattered pieces back together and then give tiny pulses of life back into my heart...they filled my soul with laughter...yes laughter even in the darkest of days
My angels reminded me daily...what’s your joy today...big or small...what is it?
My angels did for me what only they could
My angels made space for me...admittedly more space than I ever could have imagined I needed to take up from a friend
My angels set aside their privilege and saw me
My angels set aside their own pain and lifted me up
My angels carried me when I could not walk, stand or even breath
I cannot name these angels because I would never wish the burden of people asking them what this journal entry is about...they’ve carried enough already...they deserve peace too.
And when it was 2am and I doubted everything...my angels were there
When I doubt my own ability to trust a white person
When I feel shame for that mistrust
When I feel guilt for that mistrust
When I feel scared for that mistrust
When I verbalized those fears...my angels made space
My angels did not judge
My angels knew it meant I might not ever even be able to trust some of them fully again...but they told me that was okay...but they told me that made sense
...and I would weep. I would weep at the beauty God shined through them...the comfort...the selflessness...the strength...and above all the full awareness that they could not own my Black emotions and Black experience...but that rather they know and love me...in any shape or form...no matter how much the world had damaged me...they believed in me.
My angels remained steadfast, nurturing, loving and here.
So here we are...my 36th birthday month...and it seems as though the last 2 months were a complete black out.