I am high...on life
I am high on life
I am high on me
I am high on my truth
I am high on the space I’ve created
...the space I decided to take up
...the space I decided to claim
....the space I deserve and always have
I’m so damn high on this space
It feels expansive
It feels safe
It feels dreamy
It feels unknown
It feels impossible, yet I’m in it
It feels unapproachle...yet I reached up and snagged it
It feels good...like a new slim fit blazer
It feels strange
It feels erie
It feels illustrious
So here I am. A free black woman...free within her circle of white friends
She exposed herself
She exposed her truth
She embodies her blacknesss
She owned history
She was clear
She was honest
She was sincere
She was. UNappologetic. To. The. Core.
She was all she knew and all she didn’t know
She is me…the core of me.
Taking note of the physical…
I feel elated and deflated
My teeth hurt...like they’ve been ground together for hours on end
My stomach is empty...like someone forgot to give it fuel
My eyelids are droopy...like someone who hasn’t slept well in ages
My tummy aches...like it’s been in knots and is trying to untie itself
My ankles are swollen...like someone who’s been pacing around for hours on end
But when the call started...
I remember shaking. Seeing my hands quiver so much I could barely pick up a water glass.
I remember reading the questions I’d written and not even understanding the words.
I remember calling a friend asking her to pray for me...but in that moment she thought I said pray with me…so that she did. She allowed me to have access to one of her most private times and began to pray over me, love me, support me...and above all comfort me. Knowing that the me that comes back to her might be in a different form.
I remember watching the clock, wondering if this was the end of not one but six relationships.
I remember wondering BUT knowing I was in my truth and needed this for me.
I remember feeling good, having clarity & knowing my goal. Knowing what I was looking for {understanding, data, knowledge}. I needed to know my dinner group...for better or worse.
So now what. I. Me. I. And only I have some thinking to do. And I have a decision to make.
But for now, I feel good in knowing I was able to do what I needed to do.
And for that, I will sleep well...knowing that I’m in love with the fierce black woman I’m evolving to be yet still loving and empathizing for the good black girl I used to be...the person that would have judged current me, misunderstood current me, maybe even dismissed current me...I don’t know, but I know they wouldn’t have been tight.